because my tears were full of eyes

Today, I am cleaning up wreckage from hurricane Rachel; today, and tomorrow, and for quite some time. Slowly, always, and daily.

There's an e.e. cummings poem that google, for all it's omniscience, is unacquainted with.

It's about an organgrinder and a fortune telling cockatoo whose tidings make all of New York's 14th Avenue disappear. He interrupts the word disappear to elaborate, in true Ed style. Like this:

dis(because my tears were full of eyes)appeared.

And that's what it's like. That one line encompasses everything I'm trying to say today. I'm trying to say that sometimes I can't even finish the word. I have to stop saying what I'm saying and being who I am just to feel it all. I am my own arrhythmia. I am the girl who gets so wrapped up in exactly what I'm feeling that I forget to look around.

The world disappears because my eyes are bobbing uselessly in the vat of my emotion. I miss the opportunity to improve, and I cannot see the ground in front of my feet. My vision drowns in a sea of strangely intense feeling. In the times of great travesty, I stumble, and become more tear than eye and the life I am making falls away.

But not this time. In the still following each of the storms of my life, I find myself prostrate and breathless before the fact that irrevocably, my life is mine.

And this time, I will be more eyes than tears.